When my son received his diagnosis, it was another hit to what was left of my heart. There was no break in between heartaches. Everyday I woke up with a huge smile on my face but with a heavy heart. No one knew how hard things were. I hid my pain so very well. All I wanted to do was make sure my boys knew they had someone capable of taking care of them the best way possible. With every new drug, new diagnosis and hospitalization the overwhelming feeling of despair would take over. I started isolating myself from the people I use to call my friends and family. I pretty much made the decision that I could only rely on myself. I had to build a wall to help me get through every episode of psychosis, episodes of mania, episodes of screaming about how much I was hated for the life he was living, episodes of self inflicted injuries, and his suicide attempt. I went into SUPER MOM mode. That wall got me through so much but now that wall is crumbling and it's starting to affect me.
I'm diagnosing myself with depression. I have no motivation, I think about what I want to do but my body doesn't move to do it, I rarely smile, and I really feel like I'm a little lost. I know with time this will subside and I will be okay but the feeling is horrible. I want other mom's in my shoes to know that it's okay to emotionally break down and cry. It's okay to open up and just cry till you no longer have tears. It's okay to cry with your child it shows them you're human. I wish I could have done that with my son back then. I know it would have helped me in the long run.