Since my son's illness surfaced in 2009, I have always been described as a very strong woman. At the time, I was single and struggling to maintain my little family. My little family consisted of my two boys and myself. My ex-husband had left and for awhile it was pretty rocky. When you end a relationship sometimes there is always doubt about whether ending it to begin with was a good idea. Sadly, the best thing was to end it. It was one of the most difficult things I had ever gone through. My divorce was emotionally painful.
When my son received his diagnosis, it was another hit to what was left of my heart. There was no break in between heartaches. Everyday I woke up with a huge smile on my face but with a heavy heart. No one knew how hard things were. I hid my pain so very well. All I wanted to do was make sure my boys knew they had someone capable of taking care of them the best way possible. With every new drug, new diagnosis and hospitalization the overwhelming feeling of despair would take over. I started isolating myself from the people I use to call my friends and family. I pretty much made the decision that I could only rely on myself. I had to build a wall to help me get through every episode of psychosis, episodes of mania, episodes of screaming about how much I was hated for the life he was living, episodes of self inflicted injuries, and his suicide attempt. I went into SUPER MOM mode. That wall got me through so much but now that wall is crumbling and it's starting to affect me.
I'm diagnosing myself with depression. I have no motivation, I think about what I want to do but my body doesn't move to do it, I rarely smile, and I really feel like I'm a little lost. I know with time this will subside and I will be okay but the feeling is horrible. I want other mom's in my shoes to know that it's okay to emotionally break down and cry. It's okay to open up and just cry till you no longer have tears. It's okay to cry with your child it shows them you're human. I wish I could have done that with my son back then. I know it would have helped me in the long run.
I'm a mother with an agenda to save her son from the grips of his mental illness and stop stigma so that those who suffer in silence can seek help without fearing the worse. Join me on this roller coaster ride..you're no longer alone.