Unsure of how today will play out but yesterday was not a good day. I guess I should have expected it. Signs of nightmares the night before and restless sleep should have told me but since things were good. I sort of let it slip by me. The weekend ends with a night mare. A shadow or something unknown was standing over his young brother's bed and then when he went to our bedroom to wake us. The shadow was in there too..watching us sleep. He is unable to wake us and that scares him to the point of waking him up from his sleep.
Daniel walks into the office, where Jose and I are doing some work and his hands are shaking and he has a look of despair. Worried that the dark shadow would soon appear in his reality and harm us and his brother. It takes some time to remind him that he will be okay. He asks for some melatonin and then soon after taking it he falls fast to sleep.
Monday morning arrives and he is groggy. Difficult to wake him because he says he had a restless night of sleep. He gets going and I leave with my mom to take her to her appointments. Around 1:30 PM I get a text from his teacher that he was in her room with visual and auditory hallucinations. When I called he had returned to his scheduled class. He returned home about 4 PM and he was in a okay mood. Not his cheery self but he ate some food and I reminded him he needed to do his homework and study.
About 6:30 PM, the roller coaster ride of emotions and senseless arguing began. What was I thinking when I thought things were going so well? What did I miss? What signs did I miss? Seriously, I try to go back into time and try to figure what could have triggered this. I can't find my answer. I have dinner ready and he comes to the table for 3 minutes and then he is gone to his room. I ask him if he's okay and of course I believe him when he says yes. After 10 minutes of waiting for him, I go to his room and his door is closed and locked. I hear him sobbing and tell me he needs to be left alone but I can't leave him with the door locked. After several times of asking and then demanding the door to be unlocked; he opens it and I find him writing and I say to him that it's okay to close the door but it has to remain unlocked. My sisters and nieces come over to visit Mom and suddenly we all hear him sobbing uncontrollably. Before I can get up to go see what's going on, My niece walks into the living room, crying and hands me what he had written earlier....
Numbness comes over me...and I don't know what to say. For the first time, I didn't know what to say. "I love you," at this point doesn't matter to him. "I don't want you to die" goes unheard, "Talk to me and tell me why you feel this way" only turns into the blame game...so I decided to step aside and let my two sisters talk to him. What they told him wasn't anything different from what I would have eventually said to him but he was on top of the highest part of the roller coaster ride that nothing could convince him of the truth. He decided to go outside and try to get some air but he continued to cry. After an hour or so, he finally stopped crying and was back to smiling and hanging with his cousin without issues.
Today, I took him to see his Psychologist. He seemed renewed and calm. Checked on him at school and he has been in good spirits and has not been agitated or anxious. Hopefully, last night was the end of it but it's always a surprise. Bipolar Disorder is my worst enemy and I hate it. The good thing is I know now that it's Bipolar I hate and not my son.
The writing attached to this entry was his own written expression of how he was truly feeling. It really saddens me to know that my son wants to die. It's hard to convince him during these times that he has a lot to live for and that he has helped so many already. His purpose is to share his struggles with others to help them in their deepest, darkest hours. I hope that one day he no longer feels this way but till then I'm back on night watch.
I'm a mother with an agenda to save her son from the grips of his mental illness and stop stigma so that those who suffer in silence can seek help without fearing the worse. Join me on this roller coaster ride..you're no longer alone.