"Last week was the worst week of my life as a parent, I can't imagine how it was for my son. I can't imagine living with a mind in total chaos, not knowing if I'm coming or going, knowing that I can't control what I hear or what is real or unreal. Sitting in a psych hospital watching my son go through a manic state of mind was the worst thing I ever went through. I wouldn't even wish that on my worst enemy. I never thought I would ever go through this in my life nor did I ever think my own flesh and blood would have to either. I remember working with my old boss and watching her go through her mania and I never could understand how someone as smart as she could have this illness till Wednesday night. No one is to blame for this disease, it’s not how you were raised, it’s not what your life is missing out on, it’s not because you're spoiled or poor nor is it because your life is bad. Unfortunately it’s genetic and it never goes away. No matter how much I wanted to blame myself or my ex-husband for walking out, my divorce, and his dead beat father for not giving a rat’s ass or medication. I realized that no matter what happened in our life the disease laid dormant waiting for the opportunity to present itself and it did a damn good job when it did. ADHD and Bipolar Disorder is what my son has. It affects the sweetest, smartest, big hearted, compassionate, loving and friendliest people in the world...it affected my son... Daniel has always been one of my greatest accomplishments and no matter what; he is the best thing that ever happened to me, January 29, 1999. He saved me then and he saved me now...He will never know how heartbreaking it was to watch him spiral up and down in a matter of seconds but he will know that no matter how hard it gets I will always be there to pick him up every time... I love you son, thank you for teaching me to be positive even when you feel as if your world is ending...You are an amazing little boy and I thank God for blessing me with you..."
When I didn't have anyone there to talk to or just to lend an ear. I would sit and write things I experienced as his illness progressed.
Have a great weekend!!