From the moment I met you, I fell in love. I promised you that I would do everything possible to give you a good life. Watching you grow while you learned to walk and talk was the most amazing thing ever. I couldn't believe how much love my heart could feel. You showed compassion at an early age. I remember how tight your hugs were when I would cry because I was alone and worried about how we would make it. It was almost as if you knew how I felt and every time you hugged me. I felt a sense of relief. Your hugs reassured me that we would be okay and it gave me a sense of strength to keep going without a doubt.
After going through so much together, sharing a broken heart, and just trying to live the life we were given. You became sick and my world completely fell apart. We were both lost. You were lost in your own world while I was lost trying to find you. Remembering all those hugs you gave me for reassurance. It gave me the hope that if I could do the same for you that maybe you would get better. It failed not once but every time I tried. I remember thinking to myself "How could I have failed him? How could the little boy that made me feel better at my worst, hate me so much at his?" Lost and confused my heart broke over and over. How could I fix you? How could I help you feel better? How could I possibly bring you back to the reality that I was in? I could never find those answers. I sat and watched you fall apart while in the inside a piece of me would crumble little by little. Not realizing how much damage it was causing me. Your illness made me cold and angry and I felt so much hatred because of how much hurt it had caused me. It even made me believe that I hated you. I couldn't stand you, I couldn't look at you, and I didn't want to deal with you. I finally realized after years of dealing with it. I lost sight of who you really were and all I could see was your illness. I didn't see you as my son. I saw the illness. The day I could've lost you was the worst. You selfishly tried to take your life and once again I sat there and watched you fall apart. This time I felt nothing. I was numb. The wall that replaced my emotions went up quickly. I was just going through the motions and even though I had so much anger. I never gave up on you and I was there the whole time. It took me weeks to finally process the fact that I could have lost you. It was then that I realized that I hated your illness and not you.
I love you more than my own life. Things will never be perfect like the day you were born but regardless of it all. You're perfect to me. I promise to protect you, speak for you, advocate for you, fight for you, and never give up on you. Your illness broke me but I'm fighting as hard as you are to keep going. Please don't ever give up on me....I love you.
I'm a mother with an agenda to save her son from the grips of his mental illness and stop stigma so that those who suffer in silence can seek help without fearing the worse. Join me on this roller coaster ride..you're no longer alone.